Kicking ass and chewing bubblegum

Hello from Russia

2009-11-14T00:01:09Z

Hey everyone, I know I haven't posted here in a long time, but I just wanted to share two things:

1. I am in Russia. Yay! If you want you can read a blog I actually post to about Russia-y things at intheredcity.blogspot.com. And note that my relatives read it, so... please keep comments clean and about things my mother will approve of (I promise if I do find anything kinky and interesting in Moscow I'll blog about it over here).

2. (This is the main reason for this post) I found this really awesome music video that I think several of you will really appreciate... it is by a Moldovan pop star who I happen to have a big crush on (yes, the one that did Numa Numa), it's called "Joanna (Shut up)" and it is all about dolls that come to life so that they can shut up and make pies or something. If I am in Madison for another doll night at Sabbat I definitely want to dress up as the Joanna doll.

Also I would really like to have my very own life-size Dan Balan doll, plz k thx Santa.

Stupid youtube won't let me embed it.

(And sorry for the ridiculously annoyingly catchy Europop, I am pretty well inoculated against it by now but I realize most of you aren't.)

severin @ 2009-03-02T22:57:00

2009-03-03T06:02:32Z

GAH how is my life so stressful even though I don't have school anymore? I am never again doing the whole "working til 8pm twice a week" thing. At least I finally have time to be online again now. And see friends. And, I dunno, breathe.

Recent highlights of my life:

Went skiing a week ago. Skied in woods. Went on jumps. Was pretty awesome at going on jumps; not so awesome at landing.
Jailbroke (jailbreaked?) my iphone. Now have Doctor Who skin on it because I am a NERD.
Let a cute coworker use my laptop to download something. Forgot I had multiple tabs of PORN open. Embarrassing porn. Like, slash fanfiction porn. With a title that had something to do with jerking off at work.
Got Guitar Hero World Tour. Am rocking the drums.
Playing D&D again. Like I said, I'm a nerd. I'm proudly making my coworkers roll Will saves to not slap me in the face. (Although maybe my character likes it...)

....I think that's about it, other than work and stress. Most of my life has been work and stress recently.

Stupid St. Valentine

2009-02-13T05:51:58Z

Oh, and I fucking hate Valentine's day. But if you know me at all, you could probably guess that. I didn't even like it the one Valentine's Day that I wasn't single (and yes, that only happened once). Couples do not need their own day. Every fucking day is couples' day. Singles need a day. I like how it's done in Russia, where you have Women's day and all the men in your life give you something small, just like a couple pieces of candy or something, and then there's Men's day and you buy a round for your guy friends. That is how it should be.

Oh well, I have plans to watch movies and crochet and eat heart-shaped pizzas with one of my single friends. And at least Sunday there will be cheap chocolate. That almost makes up for it. Almost.

Updates

2009-02-13T05:47:38Z

Still doing well on the no-internet-addiction, but it's quickly being replaced by a movie and video games addiction. Sigh.

Still being pretty sick off-and-on and ridiculously busy. I'm going to ask if I can cut down the amount of nights I work til 8pm to one instead of two. Hopefully, if I can do that I should be less busy once I get these next couple apps out. Let's just hope I don't get sick again.

Have been playing the piano in the practice room at MATC! It makes me happy. But the high G and higher E stick, which makes several songs hard to play.

Applications to teach in Russia are coming along. I'm also thinking about applying for a grant to go study dialects in England. Because that would just be ridiculously awesome. Mmm... pretty accents and good television.

The mystery of the ghost is solved

2009-02-02T05:56:34Z

So today we had an Adventure of sorts. A couple days ago, after I finished a shower and the tub drained, some water burbled up into the sink from its drain and would not go back down. It smelled vaguely of sulfur. The toilet likewise would not drain. The problem resolved itself by morning and we didn't think much more of it.

Then, this morning, water burbled up from the sink and tub drains and the toilet ran over. It was clearly sewage-y water (from the smell, there was not stuff in it or anything, thank god). We called the plumber, who couldn't come over until 2.

The plumber arrived; he was pretty cool. He said we were the smartest people he'd dealt with for awhile, because my roommate'd thought to turn off the water and all that stuff. He asked to be shown down to the basement so he could check on some pipes. Turns out that the pipes in question were completely fucking destroyed. Not burst from cold or anything, but he said it looked like they'd been attacked by a drunk with a chainsaw or something. He asked if we'd heard any noises recently. I told him that I heard noises all the time. He said it would have been a big noise, and likely recently, like late at night, and I said I hadn't heard anything like that but that I am a deep sleeper.

The plumber went back to the basement and worked on it some more after he called MPM and let them know what was up. Then we hear a crash and him screaming "HOLY RUNNING FUCK!" very loudly. He came running back up. Apparently, there are huge, mean-ass mother fuckers of raccoons down there. These raccoons have likely been slowly destroying our pipes, causing our stuff to drain slowly and our heat to not work well, which have been two ongoing problems since we moved in. They have likely been the source of all the strange noises I kept hearing at night, since my bed is right by a heat vent which goes directly down to the basement.

So, our toilet/bath/sink are now fixed enoug to mostly work, but we have to be careful until everything's properly fixed in the basement. A lot of pipes need to be completely replaced. And I don't even know if the two raccoons are still down there. Also, our heat doesn't work at all right now. Joy of joys.

New favorite actor, new favorite show

2009-01-27T03:31:31Z

Why, oh why, do I always develop celebrity crushes on the actors who play the villain? Or to be more precise, fucking insane, completely psychotic villains?

In related news, I heartily recommend everything that John Simm is in ever, especially the episodes of Doctor Who where he is the Master, and the British version of Life on Mars, where he is not the villain but amazingly spectacular anyway.

"I like it when you use my name..."

ETA: Also, Moroccan mint green tea is freaking amazing.

severin @ 2009-01-17T16:56:00

2009-01-17T23:01:35Z

So, I'm really looking forward to Sabbat tomorrow, mostly because I haven't been able to go to one in forever due to being blind one month, then spending all of my free time on my research project for two. (Man, it is so good to have free time again, especially free time that I don't have to feel guilty about taking.) But I'm also excited because I am doing a sewing project to make myself a corset-y type top out of vinyl! It is a bitch and a half to work with, especially since my machine can't handle it so I have to do it all by hand, but I am proud of how it has turned out thus far. I'm also making some yarn falls, which I'm looking forward to working on. (However, I was unable to find cyber goggles, or any sort of suitable goggles at all, which is sad. I should have ordered them online, but now it is too late. Sad.)

Pictures when I'm done!

Jonathan update

2009-01-15T03:53:24Z

Ok, so it appears that my "ghost" may in fact be some sort of small animal inside my walls. Somehow it is able to access the carpet and tug, which my sleep-addled brain interprets as the sheets being tugged. I determined this when it happened while I was lying in bed completely awake, so I guess my insomnia is good for something.

...but that is way more boring, so I am sticking with the ghost-boy story. I told my theory to my roommate and he was just like, "Dude, you really need to get a boyfriend."

In other news: it looks like I will be spending a month in Colorado this summer taking a CELTA course. Which will be cool, since I can see my Robin. But other than that, there is not a whole lot there, so I do not get why my mother is all "Colorado! That's so neat!" As far as I am concerned, the only thing there is good about Colorado (besides the aforementioned Robin) is skiing, which I am not even sure how good it is in the summer, and is probably hella expensive there. I guess people like mountains, but I do not get them. Perhaps because I am from Illinois. Also, I am starting to try speaking completely in Standard American English (which will be helpful when teaching English), and even though I'm already close, it is really hard for me to make the difference between caught and cot, and to remember to say Illinois instead of Ellinois, etc.

Also, started class at MATC today. It's pretty cool. Kind of annoyingly slow though, because we had to learn some computer basics before we could start. (ie, how to use notepad. I, on the other hand, am going to be pretentious and use vim. Besides, syntax highlighting helps a bunch.)

severin @ 2009-01-13T16:37:00

2009-01-13T22:39:19Z

Plan for tonight: bit of shopping, write in my journal in a coffee house, go home, call parents about loaning me money for a TEFL course, put a heating pad on my achy neck and curl up with a good book and my rat. And maybe some peach tea.

Sometimes, life is awesome.

Ghosts in my bed

2009-01-12T01:04:44Z

I think there may be a ghost in my room. Not a scary one. A nice one. I have decided to name him Jonathan. I can hear him rolling over in the night and occasionally he tugs at my sheets.

I fear I may be going insane.

severin @ 2008-12-30T22:58:00

2008-12-31T05:13:31Z

Well I was going to make a long, involved New Year's resolutions post, but that will have to wait for a bit because I am busy packing! For Chicago! Where I will be going to a "bang on pots and drunkenly sing Auld Lang Syne topless till 3am" type of party, then a "roast fowl and live violin music in dinner jackets" type of party. I will get to be all classy and wear my new tuxedo-style jacket that I bought for an interview that I never got. Sigh.

Highlights of holidays:

Weather sucks, but
Allowed me to spend less time with relatives who think the term "niglet" is okay to use, ever
Said relatives also spent more time making fun of me than normal, which made me feel about 8 years old
My dad's brother and his wife, on the other hand, are pretty much made of awesome.
My sick cousin is cancer free but still on dialysis. She calls her catheter her "tentacle." As in, "Do you want me to whip out my tentacle?"
Presents of note: all of Torchwood on DVD, a super nerdy Russian Linguistics book I've been looking for for about five years, an air popcorn popper (so I can stop coveting toasteraviator's), a leather jacket.

I am thinking these days about applying to teach English in Russia for a year or so, starting next fall. It is a really scary prospect and I am not sure what I really feel about it, so I'm sure I'll write tons more about it-- if only so I can sort out my own feelings on the whole thing. Basically I really miss Russia, but I am comfortable here. I just don't know if being comfortable is a good enough reason to stay and possibly miss out on something big, you know?

Also, I have recently started back up the Twitter thing, so if you are so inclined and do not do so already, you can find me over there-- I'm Pikovaiadama.

Aren't all rainbows the same?

2008-12-20T07:57:38Z

Your rainbow is intensely shaded black, violet, and red.

What is says about you: You are a powerful person. You appreciate beauty and craftsmanship. You are patient and will keep trying to understand something until you've mastered it. You get bored easily and want friends who will keep up with you.

Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.

Patient, but easily bored. You know... that actually describes me pretty well.

Quotes of the weekend

2008-12-15T04:39:20Z

First, the one that sums up this weekend in its entirety: "BOURBON. FIX IT WITH BOURBON." (to which my drunk co-worker added: "cuifally," which apparently was meant to say "carefully.")

Several of the other good quotes to come from the LAN party involved the game xevil, which everyone should play. It's free, it's easy, it fits on a fucking floppy disk. These were mostly in the vein of "HOW DO I TAKE DRUGS?" and "I can't climb the ladder; I smoked too much crack!" as well as something about a flying invisible chainsaw. I don't really remember; I was drunk. It was a great evening. (I also made a new friend who said she would make me a cross-stitch that says "Don't make me straight-up choke a bitch!")

The best one (and by "best" I mean "most awkward") came from when my mother was here earlier yesterday, and she was helping me move shit out of my room so I could put together my new furniture. She gave me a Motherly Look and said "Um, that's quite a large picture of S. you have on your wall there." I gave her my own Look and said, "I don't have a picture of S. on my wall." She pointed to the picture in question. I blinked and said, "Mom, that's PUSHKIN."

The kicker is that whether or not you claim that they look anything alike (beyond being dark haired and funny-looking yet inexplicably attractive to girls named me), is that it is quite clearly a painting. Well, a reproduction of one, in any case. I do not know why I would have a freaking painting of any of my friends.

Status on research paper: Two more transcriptions down, 6 to go. Anyone want to go out drinking Friday or Saturday when I get it done?

severin @ 2008-12-10T21:36:00

2008-12-11T03:36:10Z

Which Torchwood Character Are You? Your Result: Ianto Jones You most resemble the team's composed, sarcastic general support. Passionate but excellent at hiding it under a reserved exterior, you care deeply about people and have a hard time letting go. The downside of keeping such a tight leash on your external emotions is that sometimes you lose control and have to let it all out. Competent and hard-working, you like to be on top of things.
Owen Harper
Toshiko Sato
Gwen Cooper
Captain Jack Harkness
Which Torchwood Character Are You? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

Accomplished this weekend:

2008-12-08T23:28:56Z

Ironed out all the stupid insurance troubles. Should be good now.
About 75% of my Christmas shopping.
Signed up for a course at MATC, so if I don't get a job I can stay at the one I have now.
Completely embarrassed myself by talking about how pretty our Greek waiter was when he was standing right behind me. (To be fair though, he was really fucking gorgeous.)
Bought a real people bed, as well as a night stand and a thingy to match the other thingy I have at home. So now I have a matched bedroom set, kinda.

Did not accomplish:

Any work on my research. :(
Visiting my friend at his store, although this might be for the better as he is terrified that my mother is going to murder him or something and I would feel bad if she actually did.

A few random pet peeves

2008-12-06T05:18:44Z

Just random things that bother me more than they probably should.

Assholes that come into stores/repair centers/whatever and feel like if they are obnoxious enough, they'll get what they want. And management that does, in fact, end up giving in.
For that matter, assholes who bring in their computer to be fixed and then get pissy because I can't fix it in ten minutes and they have to go somewhere. Would you expect a doctor's visit to take ten minutes? It *might*, but you don't generally expect it to. You definitely don't start insinuating that the doctor doesn't know what the hell they're doing because they can't figure out what's wrong that quickly.
Me being a stupid girl, again. However, I have figuratively bitchslapped myself, and decided I'm just going to do what I want to do and not worry about how other people might take it. (Seriously, how stupid is it of me to not look up friends if I fortuitously happen to be in the area completely by happenstance, just because I saw them recently? Because they might think I like them too much? That is stupid.)
The voicemail on my iphone seems to have a limited pitch range. I've gotten a couple voicemails from friends with extremely deep voices and I can't figure out what the hell they're saying. It could also just be that they both happen to mumble a lot on voicemail or something, though. But if you have a very low voice and ever call me and leave a message, I may not understand it.
If my roommate asks me what is wrong when I am completely fine and just reading, or something similarly innocuous, one more time, and then does not believe that I'm fine, I am going to scream. As far as roommate problems go, it's minor, but like I said, it's something that bothers me more than it should.

And also some things that are awesome right now: going down to Chicago with my Mom and sister tomorrow, getting a real, big people bed (I've been sleeping on a twin mattress on the floor for the last four months) at the land of Swedish furniture, Pandora radio (although there needs to be an option to be like, "I fuckin' hate Coldplay, do not play me any more Coldplay"), snow. Oh! And randomly coming across videos on youtube of a friend of mine from when he was in a band and said band toured, 5 years ago-- it was really surreal, but cool.

severin @ 2008-12-02T13:32:00

2008-12-02T19:35:09Z

oh christ, i've been doing some work and i just realized that by the end of the semester (ie, two weeks and some change) i need to process 10 more ~30 minute audio files (only two of which I've started), run some statistics, and write 20 more pages or so.

when all of this is done i am getting blitzed out of my mind.

How to get rid of a hickey...

2008-11-25T05:00:26Z

It will make you look like a straight up "ho."

My kind of town...

2008-11-24T17:22:06Z

Chicago was amazing. Life is amazing. I have definitely decided that I am going to start applying for some jobs in Chicago (I will still apply to jobs in Madison as well). I was able to see everyone I wanted to see (minus one person who was kind of hung over the whole weekend), and I got to eat Greek food and sweet potato fries at Clarke's and Armenian food, which is pretty much just like Georgian food, which I miss immensely. (Seriously, why hasn't Georgian food caught on in the States yet? It's amazing.) And I had mini-adventures, like helping out projecting/running concessions at a classic film showing, and getting hit on by weird crazy old men. And going on the El (I <3 the El) and getting stuck in a turnstile (I also <3 the word "turnstile") and having to swipe my card like three times. And all of my worries were for naught; I really should just learn to relax and let things happen and not spend a whole bunch of time being anxious about stupid stuff. And I went to the Museum of Science & Industry and saw all the trains! (Yay trains!) And sat in an old cable car!

Can you tell I am excited?

I would like to share some quotes from the weekend that I found amusing:

S. [comes home, everyone is grinning stupidly] "What's going on? You guys look like you all got trashed last night and fucked each other or something."
His gf: "Yeah, we didn't exactly get trashed..."

S's partner @ store, to employee: "I bet when you signed up for this job you didn't think you'd be fucking one boss while the other beat up two women at the same time in the next room over."

Dean of camp: "Yeah, I had two cats, and [her partner] had two cats, so now we have four..."
Me: "It's like the Brady bunch!"
Dean: "Yeah, the lesbian Brady bunch. Lots of cats."

November update

2008-11-22T05:41:42Z

Well, I've finally gotten an (admittedly small) amount of headway on the vast amounts of shit I need to accomplish, so I can finally stop being a hermit. Which is good, as I was starting to go a bit stir-crazy.

A couple weekends ago, as I mentioned before, I was puppy sitting. I have decided three very important things about puppies:

If I ever want a dog, I will be sure to have a fenced-in backyard.
I will not get an actual puppy. I will adopt a house-broken, at least somewhat trained, full-grown dog.
I will never be a single puppy-mother. I will wait until I have a permanent housemate.

Seriously, that little puppy drove me fucking insane. It kept yapping at me and I had no clue what it wanted. I wanted to pick it up and shake it like a British nanny. I... probably shouldn't ever have kids.

Then last weekend I went to see John and Hank Green, and got my copy of Paper Towns signed by John. It was so much fun. I had a blast. They are even more awesome in person. Before, Hank was kind of my favorite, because he is the "cute one," so to speak, and he writes hilarious songs, but now I am pretty much in love with John Green, because the man is an amazing writer. Seriously, everyone needs to go read Paper Towns. I don't care if it's in the young adult section, it is a really fun read. First of all, it's hilarious. And second of all, it raises a lot of good points about the idea of how you think of a person versus what they are really like. How you can love the idea of a person, and not really know the person's true nature. And public faces that we show to different people, versus private faces. I think it would have been really great for me in high school, because I was so in love with the idea of S. and the person I saw him as, and it took me many years to realize that nobody could ever live up to that ideal, not even S. himself. If that makes sense.

Speaking of the devil himself, I am going down to Chicago tomorrow and I am psyched. I will get to see everyone that I wanted to see, which is rare for me. Of course, I had to do all this "planning" stuff which is kind of hard for me. I am a little nervous about seeing S., because I haven't seen him in 8 months, which is the longest I have gone not seeing him. And I was actually okay with that, which was awesome. But I'm worried that once I see him everything will revert to how it was and we will have our little fucked-up co-dependent friendship and keep oscillating between hurting each other and feeling incredibly guilty about it. I have to keep telling myself that we have both changed, and things have not been that way for almost two years, and we're really not even close enough anymore to be that fucked up. But in a way... I miss our fucked-up-ness. I miss having him a bigger part of my life, and hearing about all his crazy escapades and ideas. And I miss his hugs. (The man gives amazing hugs. They feel like coming home.) I kind of wish I could have met him for the first time now, when I am all stable and healthy-- I wonder what our friendship would be like without all of our shit-filled history. If we would even be friends.

Anyhow, Chicago. Yes. Friends. Excited.

I also may have a roommate for next year (my current roommate will likely be moving in with his girlfriend. The bastard seriously does not know how lucky he has it). He's a coworker of mine, and he's pretty cool. He's one of the people that I was worried about losing touch with once I leave my job, because I don't really know how to ask him if he wants to hang out without sounding like I want to get a leg over him or something. ("Wanna come over and look at my record collection? ... I just meant... music, and my other friends are mostly philistines, and... nevermind.") Also he has stated that he is pro-heat, unlike my current roommate. The issues are mostly that a few of my friends do not like him (he supposedly "stole" some other friend's gf at one point), which really shouldn't matter because I should learn to care less what other people think if they're just going to judge. But I do. I will work on that. The other issue is that he does not know that I have the crazy. I don't think he'd care normally, but it is more of an issue when you are living with the person, you know? I don't know how to bring it up, but I just don't want to move into the apartment and then be like, "By the way, I'm manic depressive, and at some point during this year I will randomly burst into tears when you're talking to me." My current roommate is mostly good about it, but he doesn't really "get it," and it tends to feed into our bickering, which is incidentally a major reason why I broke up with him back in the day.

Also, I have a job interview Monday morning. Wish me luck!

Awesomeness, etc.

2008-11-06T03:49:43Z

Keeping with my prediction that November == awesome, I present to you a short (drastically incomplete) list of things that are right with the world:

1. This beautiful weather. I know it's going to get cold soon, but dammit, that doesn't mean I'm not going to enjoy one more day of skirt-weather.
2. Getting on top of the job application thing. I think I'll have an application in by Friday, and I'm sure I'll feel immensely better immediately. Seriously, this whole job thing has been an albatross around my neck for months.
3. This weekend I get to puppy-sit, which involves me having a house to myself with Direct TV, free food, two really cute puppies, and I get 60 bucks for it.
4. I will have a bunch of time this weekend to power through some data for my research, and I've finished my script that semi-automates the work. Once I get that done, along with some job apps in, I will be able to stop being a hermit.
5. I got moved from doing the satellite service desk 3.5 days a week to only 2. I get to fix computers the other times, hurrah!!
6. The only drawback about that is it messes with my writing goals a bit. So I'm just going to say my goal is to write over the course of the whole month the amount that I would if I kept to my original goal, so about 16,000 words. I'm doing well so far!
7. Last but certainly not least, Barack Obama. YES WE FUCKING CAN. (Also, my phone spell-checker now recognizes the word "Obama," but lj does not yet.) I am actually proud of my country for the first time I can think of. It melts my icy little heart and brings tears to my eyes. How many elections do people end up dancing in the streets after the winner is announced??

The makings of an emo zombie (long, w/pics)

2008-11-03T05:53:38Z

The costume that I finally went with was emo!zombie, aka a large experiment in special effects makeup, aka I am a terrible person and I am going to hell. (Seriously, they are going to add a circle in hell for Those That Mock and I will spend eternity there, with no Golden Boy peanuts. [If you get that joke, you are awesome.]) So... my costume is probably offensive, but I find it funny. For the record, I don't care if you want to wear tons of eyeliner and listen to music that I personally find crappy, but I draw the line at glamorizing self-harm. Maybe next year I will keep with my super classy theme and be heroin chic zombie or something.

Warning-- the lj cut below leads to pictures of (fake) slit wrists and an explanation of how the effect is achieved. However, it is realistic looking enough to make at least one person feel nauseous, which I guess means I did a pretty good job.

So the first step in becoming emo!zombie is to become emo, and this requires that you take several MySpace shots. I make this emo shit look good.

As my coworker said, I was "wearing enough eyeliner to suck 10 dicks." Yes, I know that doesn't make any sense.

Now for the fun part. I painted on a strip of liquid latex (mixed with a tiny amount of fake blood to give it the right color).

Then, after it dried, I very carefully took a butter knife and worked it under the edges of the strip, making a sort of "channel" of fake skin where the slit would be. The important part here is to not actually cut yourself. Then I dusted it with baby powder to lighten the color. It matched my skin tone pretty well, as you can see.

Then, I painted the bottom of the "slit" with greasepaint-- a layer of red, a layer of maroon, and then black along the edges to give the appearance of depth.

...add some fake blood...

...do some standard zombie face makeup (I used expired concealer, white cream makeup, + a touch of green for the base), and presto! Emo zombie. For yoooooou!

Closeup on my "slit wrist" from Saturday, which was probably the best one that I did. Also you will note that emo!zombie did this correctly, that is, "down the street, not across the block." This is why she is emo zombie, and not emo chick in the hospital. Anyway, sorry all of these pictures are not great quality; they are from my phone, as I could not find my memory card reader to get ones off of my camera.

And take your foot off of the brake... for Christ's sake

2008-11-02T06:09:27Z

I fucking love the Mountain Goats so much it hurts my heart to listen to them sometimes. I want to have John Darnielle's hyper-literate lyricist babies.

I also love long hot baths, my fuzzy robe, and Ginger Peach tea. These things all combine to make my stubborn cold much more bearable.

I've been thinking a lot recently-- possibly too much. I have been holding it together pretty well, all things considered, which I suppose means I do not need the Lexapro I was taking. However, there are two problems I have had return since I went off of it: food still does not taste very good (I mean, I will eat, but generally it will only be a bare minimum unless it is one of my absolute favorite foods), and I am nervous/afraid much more. I have always been a nervous person, but I think that in my adult life I was not this afraid all the time. It's kind of a hard thing to tell.

Granted, I am not as afraid as I was as a kid, when I couldn't sleep because I was so terrified. And although, in the grand scheme of things, I know that me not being able to find a job is a lot more likely than, say, Nazis putting Zyklon B in my shower head or one of my other childhood fears, but at least I have some control over [most of] the things I am fearing now. (I mean, if those Nazis want to poison you, there is no stopping the bastards.) And realizing this will hopefully be the first step to actually working on the problems instead of just worrying about them all the time.

A few years ago, I told myself that if I was ever on the fence about something, I would go for it, because I would much rather do something that turns out to be a stupid idea rather than regret not doing it. And I think I lost sight of that, somewhere. So I am already half-formulating resolutions for the new year, a couple months early. I want to really work on not being afraid. Or at least, not letting that fear stop me from doing anything. I once heard that bravery is not the lack of fear, it's being afraid and doing something anyway. If that is really true, then I am the fucking bravest person ever, because I am afraid all the fucking time. Sometimes I am terrified just to turn out the lights at night, but I do it anyway. (Mostly because my miserly roommate will bitch at me otherwise.)

Anyway, this all has a point somewhere. My point is that although I feel like I am at a pretty healthy point finally, there is always room for more self-improvement. I don't want to be afraid all the time anymore, and I don't think I have to. I'm not quite sure how I can go about facing some of my fears, but I know what I can do to face my largest one: heights. It hasn't often interfered in my life, but there are some things that I'd like to do that I automatically discount, thinking "I can't do that; I'm afraid of heights." Like rock climbing. Yes, I, Erica, the girl who cannot even stand up straight when she is ten feet off the ground, the girl who could not go on teeter-totters as a child because they were too high, is going to fucking go rock climbing next summer. I just have to get in shape enough and acclimated to being off the ground by then.

... now let's just hope that my crippling fear of heights is not because of some inner-ear problem.

Happy Halloween, everyone!

2008-10-31T22:43:55Z

I am feeling so much better. This is due to several reasons:

1. My cold/flu/whatever is abating, and I was able to go to work, rather than sitting at home being useless.
2. It is FREAKING GORGEOUS outside.
3. It is FUCKING HALLOWEEN.

I am super excited about my costume, and I am feeling all productive and creative and awesome. I won't be doing any sewing (sad), but I will get to do all kinds of crazy make-up special effects, for I will be... emo!zombie (version 2.0-- now with full makeup effects). I will take all kinds of pictures. Such pictures I will take. I have no fucking clue what I will be doing tomorrow night, because everyone and their mother is going out of town tomorrow apparently, but tonight I will be hitting State Street while it is free, and possibly going to a party if I am sober enough to drive (and still feeling well).

Thinking of pictures reminds me... I still need to get a roll of actual film developed from Halloween 2005. And I need to organize and post some of my Japan pictures. Maybe I will do that this weekend, because I am going to start limiting my time online to time spent doing useful things. (Yes, making blog posts counts as [semi-]useful. Reading porn does not.)

severin @ 2008-10-30T18:51:00

2008-10-30T23:54:00Z

So, in addition to all the other bad stuff that's been going on, I dropped my computer and it refused to boot, saying no operating system could be found. This usually means the hard drive's failed. I was not a happy Erica.

But then, on a hunch, I checked the side of my computer, and sure enough, the hard drive had just popped out. I popped it back in, and everything was as good as new!

IT IS A SIGN.